PR 6013 



.R18 D4 
''I 1909 
Copy 



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liiiiii 



: . DEPORTMENTAL 
DITTIES 




HARRY 
GRAHAM 



mmgrngatm 




Class \' r ■ . ,/ 

COPYRIGHT DEPOSm 



Deportmental 
Ditties 



Works by the Same Autho 



r 



RUTHLESS RHYMES FOR HEARTLESS HOMES 

BALLADS OF THE BOER WAR 

BABY'S BAEDEKER 

PERVERTED PROVERBS 

MISREPRESENTATIVE MEN 

MORE MISREPRESENTATIVE MEN 

VERSE AND WORSE 

FISCAL BALLADS 

MISREPRESENTATIVE WOMEN 

FAMILIAR FACES 

A SONG-GARDEN FOR CHILDREN 

A GROUP OF SCOTTISH WOMEN 




^-^ And facetious friends start heaving 
Rice and boots.'* See page 4g 



DEPORTMENTAL 
DITTIES 

By Harry Graham 

pictures by 
Gordon Grant 




NEW YORK 

DuFFiELD & Company 

MCMIX 



Copyright, 1909, by ' ' 

DUFFIELD & COMPANY 



Published, October, igog 



THE UNIVERSITY PRESS, CAMBRIDGE, U. S. A. 



251089 



Contents 



PAGE 

I. Birth 3 

II. Childhood 13 

III. The Choice of a Profession .... 23 

IV. The Proposal ZS 

V. Marriage 45 

VI. Table Manners 5^ 

VII. Politeness . *. 63 

VIII. Dancing 69 

IX. At Sea 79 

X. Invitations 85 

XI. On the Road lOi 

XII. Forms of Address 105 

XIII. Presence of Mind 115 

XIV. Discrimination . . . . , » . • . 123 

XV.' Tact . , , c , . . 127 



List of Illustrations 



' ' An^ facetious friends start heaving 
Rice and boots'' frontispiece 

FACING PAGE 

** What a lifelong education underlies the reputation 

For a pleasant * bedside manner !' "" 29 

'^Disguised in coonskins, like his ^ shover^"* 
He seems more Golliwog than lover T' .... c ... 39 

* * If asparagus or artichokes be handed^ 
Do not view them with a terror-stricken eye'' . . . ... . 57 



Deportmental 
Ditties 



Deportmental Ditties 



Birth 



THE worldly child who wishes to 
succeed 
Must exercise profound prenatal 
tact. 
The choice of proper parents is, indeed, 

A most important act; 
Since errors in the matter of selection 
Do not admit of subsequent correction. 

3 



BIRTH 



So, when for future forbears you arrange, 
Be sure you get a father that will suit, 
Remember, please, that you can never 
change, 
Nor find a substitute; 
For if you are dissatisfied with Mother, 
You cannot send her back and have another. 

The thoughtful babe invariably takes 

The very greatest pains about his birth. 
And shows intense discretion when he 
makes 
His advent upon Earth. 



BIRTH 



So don't arrive too early in the morning, 
Nor yet omit to give sufficient warning. 

And when in Nurse's elbow you are placed, 
Don't pucker up your brow and whim- 
per, please; 
But bow to her politely from the waist. 

This puts her at her ease. 
(Reserve your smiles till later, lest she 

question 
The soundness of your infantile digestion.^ 

Once having condescended to appear. 
Embrace the first occasion to disclose 



BIRTH 



The gratifying fact that you (poor dearly 

Have got your father's nose. 
You thus avert ill-timed recriminations 
Between your two most intimate relations. 

A schoolfellow of mine had sable hair — 
Coal-blacky indeed^ it might almost be 
called; 
His mother^ on the other hand^ was fair ^ 

His father nearly bald. 
To please them both^ this tactful little fellow 
Shaved half his head^ and dyed the rem7i.a?it 
yellow I 

6 



BIRTH 



A youthful Jewess^ too^ I used to know^ 

Whose nasal profile^ like some ancient 
Greek' s^ 
Was straight and slim and regular^ although 

Her parents both had beaks. 
Poor child I Her brothers gazed at her 

with pity^ 
T'hen^ linking noses ^ hastened to the City. 

When elderly relations dodder in, 

And thoughtlessly refer to you as " It," 
Thrust skinny fingers underneath your chin 
(K foolish form of wit,^ 



BIRTH 



And dangle bits of jewelry before you, 
Don't let them see how dreadfully they 
bore you. 

And when a kind of '^baby-talk" they try 

(" As ^'grown-ups" quite invariably do^, 
Be ready with some suitable reply, 
As "Ta!" or ^'Googlyoo!" 
And let them find their own interpretations 
For such occult and cryptic observations. 

For one will say: "Oh, is n't he a dear? 
He's asking for his grandpa's watch 
and chain!" 

8 



BIRTH 



Another: "Listen! Fancy! Did you hear? 

He called for poor Aunt Jane!" 
While all agree delightedly that never 
Was any babe so talkative and clever! 

When funny Uncle Frank, in accents rude, 
Makes comments on your total lack of 
hair, 
Adopt a free-and-easy attitude, 

As though you didn't care; 
And suffer w^ith the very best of graces 
Aunt Martha's damp and wearisome 
embraces. 



BIRTH 



And when some stranger picks you up to 
kiss, 
Don't ululate or struggle or protest, 
Nor choose an awkward moment such as 
this 
To slobber on his chest. 
You've no desire to multiply his troubles, 
And this is not the time for blowing 
bubbles. 

Be patient with your elders, then, I 
pray; 
Their intellects don't hastily condemn; 

lO 



BIRTH 



They once were like yourself, and you, 

some day, 
Will much resemble them. 
Each moonlike face that causes you to 

scream so 
Is really human, though it may not seem 

so. 

For Life has compensations Mh ! how 
true!). 
While clouds have silver linings under- 
neath! 

And father, who has far less hair than you, 

II 



BIRTH 



And even fewer teeth, 
May yet, with wider caliber of throttle, 
Be just as much addicted to the bottle. 

MORAL 
The Moral is as plain as morals may be 
To any shrewd and perspicacious baby. 



12 



II 

Childhood 



T 



O establish a foundation 

Of authentic information 

On the subject of behaviour in the 



nursery, 



Little children of all ages 
Should accord these priceless pages 
A perusal that is anything but cursory. 
Here 's a vintage undiluted 
Of advice and admonition. 



CHILDHOOD 



Which is eminently suited 

To both pauper and patrician. 

Learn, my readers, to keep quiet, 
To refrain from noise and riot ; 
Treat your elders and your betters with 

civility. 
When your boots are wet and 

muddy, 
Don't invade your father's study 
And arouse him from the slumbers of 

senility. 
(An incorrigible slattern 

14 



CHILDHOOD 



Is the urchin who imprints his 
Dirty footprints on the pattern 
Of the brand-new boudoir 
chintzes!) 

Ev'ry infant should endeavour 
To be rather good than clever^ 
Wiih a charming and unselfish personality; 
To remember that politeness 
Is more popular than brightness, 
And intelligence less pleasing than morality. 
For a welcome warm awaits you 
If you chance to be a "zany," 

15 



CHILDHOOD 



But the world distrusts and hates 
you 
If you're what is known as 
" brainy." 

I've an uncle ^ stout and jolly ^ 
Who'^s completely "off his trolley'' — 

As for intellect or brains^ he hasnt got 
any ; 
But he yachts^ and bets ^ and races ^ 
Goes to ''Monte'' and such places^ 

And he drinks a bit^ to vary the monotony. 
To the smartest country-houses 

i6 



CHILDHOOD 



He obtains immediate entry ^ 
W^here in comfort he carouses 
IVith nobility and gentry. 

While my cousin in the City^ 
Who is wonderfully witty — 
His accomplishments and ''parlour tricks'' 
are numerous : 
He can si?igj and play the fiddle^ 
Solve acrostics^ ask a riddle^ 
And do other things^ if possible^ more 
humorous — 
Has been brutally ejected 

17 



CHILDHOOD 



From Society s dominions^ 
yust because he is suspected 
Of polygamous opinions! 

Be considerate of others, 
Of your sisters and your brothers; 
Do not balance loaded sponges on the 
door for them. 
With your playmates never grapple 
To secure the largest apple: 
If you get it, always treasure up the core 
for them. 
Keep your hands a trifle cleaner, 

i8 



CHILDHOOD 



And your finger-nails unbitten, 
And afFect the meek demeanour 
Of an unassuming kitten. 

Never enter without knocking, 
Never wear a drooping stocking, 
Never greet your parent's counsel with 
hilarity ; 
Never mingle cake and butter, 
Never dabble in the gutter, 
Nor do anything that savours of vul- 
garity. 
'Tis unseemly for a bantling 

19 



CHILDHOOD 



To make tactless observations, 
Which may send the blushes 

mantling 
O'er the cheeks of his relations. 

Never ask your uncle Moses 

If the colour of his nose is 
Artificial, manufactured, or inherited. 

When your elderly Aunt Lizzie 

Is unusually busy, 
Do not badger her with booby-traps 
unmerited. 

(If you soak her wig in whisky, 

20 



CHILDHOOD 



'Twill ensure her feeling flus- 
tered ; 
But to make her really frisky 

You should fill her boots with 
mustard.) 

Hold your tongues, if you are 
able, 

More especially at table, 
Which is not the place for juvenile loquacity. 

Grown-up folks are "kittle cattle/* 

And they tire of childish prattle 
Unredeemed by any symptoms of sagacity. 

21 



CHILDHOOD 



If it lies 'twixt you and Father 
To provide your guests with 
chatter, 

Please remember they would rather 
That you left it to the latter ! 



22 



Ill 



The Choice of a Profession 



A FTER leaving school or college, with 

AJm the scanty stock ot knowledge 

-^ -^- Which a popular academy 

provides, 
You can take a hand at poker, swell the 
chorus at a " smoker," 
Kick a football, and do other things 
besides ; ' 

23 



THE CHOICE OF A PROFESSION 

And, in spite of contradiction, you may 
cherish the conviction — 
A conviction which I shortly hope 
to shatter — 
That the choice of a profession, if effected 
with discretion, 
Is a simple sort of matter. 



For the youthful and the active there is 
nothing more attractive 
Than the soldier's gay and glitter- 
ing attire; 

24 



THE CHOICE OF A PROFESSION 

But before you join the Service, pray be 
certain that your nerve is 
Fully fitted to support you "under 
fire/' 

And don't let your comrades find you, 
with your weapons cast be- 



hind you 



Drawing courage fi-om a surrepti- 
tious flagon, 
Having sought for safety quickest 
« where the bullets were the 
thickest," 
In the ammunition wagon ! 

25 



THE CHOICE OF A PROFESSION 

If your love of disputation makes you fancy 
the vocation 
Of those gentlemen who practise 
at the Bar, 
You will find, at the beginning, that the 
wages take some winning, 
And that prizes are both few be- 
tween and far ; 
When a brief makes no appearance, simple 
dogged perseverance 
Is the quality most likely to ensnare it. 
While if clients are persistent in remaining 
cold and distant, 

26 



THE CHOICE OF A PROFESSION 

You must merely grin and bear 
it! 

Should you dream of competition with the 

surgeon or physician 
Who has patients ever flocking to 

his gates, 
Who discovers new diseases just as often as 

he pleases, 
And removes a friend's appendix 

" while he waits," 
Recollect what years of training must be 

occupied in gaining 

27 



THE CHOICE OF A PROFESSION 

The adroitness of the competent 
trepanner, 
What a lifelong education underlies the 
reputation 
For a pleasant "bedside manner!" 

As a parson is your heart set on admonish- 
ing the Smart Set ? 
Pulpit eloquence, alas! is poorly paid, 
And your most impassioned sermon will 
descend (like dew of Hermon) 
On a sleeping congregation, I 'm 
afraid. 

28 




'-'-What a lifelong education underlies the reputation 
For a pleasant '-bedside manner!* ^^ 



THE CHOICE OF A PROFESSION 

Since the income of a pastor is not that 
of Mr. Astor, 
He must practise the most parsi- 
monious habits, 
With his " quiver full of arrows " that are 
numerous as sparrows 
And as ravenous as rabbits ! 

If you, finally, would rather seek to emu- 
late your father. 
And become, like him, a self-made 
millionaire, 

There are difficulties here, too, since the 
plutocrat's career, too, 

31 



THE CHOICE OF A PROFESSION 

Is an intricate and troublesome affair; 
For you have to wrench their money (^like 
a bee extracting honey) 
From such persons as it happens to 
belong to, 
And the growth of public feeling against 
any form of stealing 
Is both prevalent and strong, too. 

Then a simple life of pleasure, as a '' gen- 
tleman of leisure," 
Is the proper kind for ev'ryone to 
lead, 

32 



THE CHOICE OF A PROFESSION 

With a dash of dissipation, just by way of 
relaxation, 
And a " brainstorm " to account 
for each misdeed; 
And the youth of one-and-twenty who has 
luxuries in plenty, 
And whose balance at the bank 
continues healthy, 
Will confirm my own impression that the 
pleasantest profession 
Is professing to be wealthy! 



33 



IV 



The Proposal 



IN distant pre-Victorian days, 
When sentiment was still the fashion, 
And lovers chose becoming ways 
To advertise their passion, 
The etiquette prescribed by Cupid 
Was not considered dull or stupid. 

The ardent suitor of that date, 
. Who sought a maiden's hand in marriage, 

35 



THE PROPOSAL 



Would drive in state to her front-gate, 

In his ancestral carriage ; 
And thence, with mien correct and knightly, 
Proceed to pay his court politely. 



When Strephon doffed his beaver hat. 
And humbly knelt before his goddess, 

Poor Chloe's heart went pit-a-pat 
In her brocaded bodice; 

And while he cut these courtly capers. 

She shrieked and swooned and had ^^the 
vapours." 

36 



THE PROPOSAL 



Then he would kiss her snowy brow, 
And chafe her lily hands discreetly, 

As, on his knees, he told her how 
His heart was hers completely ; 

Till, in a semi-dazed condition. 

They went to ask Papa's permission. 

Alas! the world has changed to-day! 

How modernised both wooed and wooer ! 
Chloe is now a coryphee^ 

Strephon a wealthy brewer! 
She smiles on picture-postcards sweetly, 
While he signs cheques extremely neatly. 

37 



THE PROPOSAL 



Or else he is a peer, unblest 

By dollars, and not too romantic, 

And she, from somewhere in the West, 
An heiress Transatlantic. 

Gold to his happiness is vital; 

She feels the same about a title. 

He does not hire a coach-and-four 
To bear him to his lady's dwelling: 

A motor lands him at her door. 
Strident and evil-smelling ; 

Disguised in coonskins, like his " shover," 

He seems more Golliwog than lover ! 

38 




^^Disguised in coonskins^ like his ^shovcr^^ 
He seems more Golliiuog than lover!'' 



THE PROPOSAL 



When, thus unsuitably arrayed, 

He finds his fair inamorata 
Playing (^with pianola's aid ) 

A Hackenschmidt sonata — 
Cacophony enough to deafen 
An even more phlegmatic Strephon ! 

He does not fall upon his knees, 

Nor grovel on the ground before her 

Gymnastical displays like these, 

He knov^s, would only bore her 

But speaks in accents far from tender. 

Toasting his coat-tails at the fender. 

41 



THE PROPOSAL 



" Oh, by the way," you hear him say, 
'^Chloe — before I quite forget it — 

I wish you 'd marry me some day; 
Really you won't regret it. 

How would next Friday fortnight suit you? 

And — may I (what they call) ^salute' you ? " 

^'Why, yes," she answers, with a smile, 
''But please don't disarrange my hair, 
dear. 
We '11 meet on Friday in the aisle, 

I '11 certainly be there, dear. 
Just send a postcard to remind me — 
The hadies Club will always find me." 

42 



THE PROPOSAL 



Then lawyers enter, unabashed, 

The Wedding March politely humming, 

To see that cheques are duly cashed. 
And coronets forthcoming; 

While friends arrange those pleasing orgies 

Associated with St. George's. 

One relative goes ofF to seek 

A bishop, all complete with gaiters; 

Another hastens to bespeak 
A wedding-cake and waiters ; 

A third buys '^favours" for the flymen, 

And other requisites of Hymen. 

43 



THE PROPOSAL 



Acquaintances in Strephon's Set 

Send gifts and warm congratulations; 

While people she has never met 
Solicit invdtations, 

By loading the bewildered Chloe 

With presents that are cheap but showy. 

^'A love match," says the kindly Press — 
Since 'tis the proper thing to do so — 

While lady-journalists assess 
The value of the trousseau, 

Till Cupid from their presence rushes, 

And slinks away to hide his blushes. 

44 



Marriage 



IN the church, from crypt to steeple, 
Ev'ry inch is occupied; 
Ev'ry corner crammed with people 
(^^ House Full" boards displayed 
outside.) 
Woman with excitement flushes, 

Man attempts to hide his gloom. 
While another couple rushes 

To its doom ! 

45 



MARRIAGE 



Organist, his fingers flying 

O'er the keyboard till he drops, 
(Simultaneously applying 

Swedish massage to the stops), 
Tramples wildly on the pedals 

With the trueborn cyclist's knack. 
Which would win him many medals 

On a track. 

Loud the diapason thunders! 

Bridegroom fumbles for the ring, 
(For the hundredth time he wonders 

Where he put the silly thing !) 

46 



MARRIAGE 



See, the bride advances blushing, 
With the timidest of smiles, 
And the ushers cease from ushing 

In the aisles. 

Soon the eminent musician 

(^Like his organ, somewhat "blown"). 
Gives a ^^ masterly rendition" 

Of the march of Mendelssohn. 
While on seats his hearers leaping, 

Stare and chatter all they want. 
Spinster aunts are gently weeping 

In the font. 

47 



MARRIAGE 



Now, the ceremony ended, 

Happy couple drives away; 
Crowds outside, with lungs distended, 
Give three ^^Hips!" and one 
^^ H ooray ! " 
Then the bride's self-conscious father 

Seeks his guests to entertain 
With consumptive quails and rather 

Flat champagne. 

Older folks grow retrospective, 

Bygone honeymoons recall 
(While an ill-disguised detective 

48 



MARRIAGE 



Guards the presents in the hall), 
Till they see the couple leaving, 

Clad in brand-new trav'lling suits, 
And facetious friends start heaving 

Rice and boots. 

MORAL 
Bridegroom, though your spirits falter, 

Never have recourse to jest; 
jokes about the "marriage Haltar" 

Are much better unexpress'd. 
Since you may not well avoid it. 

Bear the function Uke a man, 

49 



MARRIAGE 



And pretend that you 've enjoyed it, 

If you can. 

Bride, be punctual to the minute; 

Don't forget the hour and date. 
(Though there may be nothing in it. 

Gossips talk if you are late.) 
In the unforeseen event, too, 

Of your vowing to ^^obey," 
Ljook as though you really meant to, 

Anyway. 



50 



VI 

Table Manners 



ON the question of behaviour when 
At Table 
There is much that proves per- 
plexing to the mind; 
Should we eat, that is, as much as we are 
able? 
Should we drink as much as Nature 
feels inclined? 

51 



TABLE MANNERS 



Is it right to use a spoon to swallow curry? 
Is it wrong to use a knife for eating 
cheese? 
There is scope for much embarrassment 
and worry 

In such knotty points as these. 

Of the businesses of eating and of 
drinking — 
Which arc separate, distinctive, well- 
defined — 

There is no one but must acquiesce in 
thinking 

52 



TABLE MANNERS 



That these functions should by no 
means be combined; 
Since the man who fills his mouth with 
beef or pheasant, 
And proceeds to sluice it down with 
wine or beer, 
Is a person whom at meals it isn't pleasant 
For his fellows to sit near. 

Save for purposes of casual conversation, 
You should always keep your mouth 
shut when you chew. 
Since the processes of oral mastication 

53 



TABLE MANNERS 



Are not suitable for popular review; 
And it shows a lack of manners or of 
breeding 
To make noises like an infant with the 
croup, 
Or adopt a loud and blatant mode of 
feeding, 

When ingurgitating soup. 

Then, again, we do not need to be 
instructed 
That our victuals must not ever be 
inhaled^ 

54 



TABLE MANNERS 



And that no one who is properly conducted 
Will be guilty of the scandal thus 
entailed. 
When a burst of unpremeditated laughter 
Sends the glass of rare old port that you 
imbibe 
Coursing lungwards — and the scene that 
follows after 

'Twere not fitting to describe! 

Let me tell y on of 7ny favourite Aunt Anna^ 
Who (though eighty^ is alert and full of 
fun; 

55 



TABLE MANNERS 



She inhaled the greater part of a banana^ 
When at luncheon once I chanced to make 
a pun. 
All i?i vain the doctors probed and ordered 
massage^ 
My relation is deprived of half a lung^ 
For the pla7^tain in her pulmonary passage 
Is imbedded like a bung I 

If you seek a second helping from the 
^^ slavey," 
Should you leave the knife and fork 
upon your plate — 

56 




"7/^ asparagus or artichokes be handed^ 
Do not view them with a terror-stricken eye' 



TABLE MANNERS 



When the handles will be smeared with 
grease and gravy — 
Or retain them in your clutches while 
you wait? 
O my Readers, pray be open to persuasion, 
And admit (^what I have preached for 
many years) 
That the knife and fork on ev'ry such 
occasion 

Should be placed behind the ears. 

If asparagus or artichokes be handed, 

Do not view them with a terror-stricken 



eye, 



59 



TABLE MANNERS 



Nor permit yovirself a coward to be branded. 
By allowing such a dish to pass you by. 
Ev'ry stick (^or leaQ, when dipt in melted 
butter, 
Should be held between the finger-tips 
with grace, 
And then flung without a tremor or a 
flutter 

Through the port-hole of your 
face. 

Never scatter bits of food upon your 
clothing; 

60 



TABLE MANNERS 



Never harbour mashed potatoes in your 
beard; 
You will find that people gaze at you with 
loathing 
If some spinach to your eyebrow has 
adhered. 
Last of all (I mean it kindly, gentle Reader^, 
If you cannot keep your fingers off a 
bone — 
If, in fact, you are a gross or careless 
feeder — 

You had better feed alone! 



6i 



VII 

Politeness 



POLITENESS is a useful art 
Which all should cultivate with 
zest; 
It mollifies the hardest heart, 

And soothes the savage breast; 
And even villains seem '^all right" 
Who ''smile and smile and are" — polite! 

63 



POLITENESS 



Then be as courteous as you can, 

Since fortunes often are bestowed 
On those who help some rich old man 

Across a slipp'ry road. 
He hastens home, unfolds his will, 
And adds a grateful codicil. 

(^My cousin yo/in was most polite. 
He led shortsighted Mrs. Bond^ 
By accident^ one winter s nighty 

Into the village pond. 
Her life perhaps he might have savedy 
But how genteelly he behaved! 

64 



POLITENESS 



Each time she rose and waved to him^ 

He smiled and bowed and doffed his hat. 
Thought he^ "Although I ca7tnot swim^ 

At least I can do that." 
A?id when for the third time she sank^ 
He stood bareheaded on the bank!^ 

When, in a crowded train or tram, 

A lady treads upon your feet, 
Leap up at once and say, "}^{3,-dam! 

Pray occupy my seat!" 
She will not thank you for your zeal. 
But what a righteous glow you feel! 

65 



POLITENESS 



When female friends you chance to see, 
Your hat should be removed in haste; 
^2iX^headed you must either be 

Or else be deemed \^2iX^faced. 
The breeze that whistles through your hair 
Is music to each lady fair. 

If bald or prone to catching cold, 

Accept a tip from Uncle Fred 
Who always wears — or so I 'm told — 

Two hats upon his head. 
With one his homage he performs. 
His scalp meanwhile the other warms. 

66 



POLITENESS 



With health and comfort thus ensured, 
He waves his beaver in his hand, — 
Its underling beneath secured 

By an elastic band. 
("Good title for a novel, that: — 
T'he Uncle with the Secret Hat^ 

If some old lady calls on you, 

Run dov^n and help her up the stair; 
Then — if you happen to have two — 

Provide her with a chair; 
If you possess but one, no more. 
Make her at home upon the floor. 

67 



POLITENESS 



(/ had a friend in the police^ 

And no one knew exactly where — 
He was so terribly obese — 
T^o offer him a chair ^ 
For though we pushed them up all round^ 
He always sat upon the ground^ 

MORAL 
Be civil, then, to young and old, 

Especially to persons who 
Possess a quantity of gold 

Which they might leave to you. 
The more they have, it seems to me. 
The more polite you ought to be. 

68 



VIII 



Dancing 



WHEN the parquet has been 
polished, and all furniture 
abolished, 
And the band has made a serviceable 
start; 
When your programme is selected, and 
your efforts are directed 
To indulgence in the Saltatory Art; 

69 



DANCING 



When your fellow-dancers eye you, as they 
sail serenely by you, 
With a scornful supercilious sort of 
glance, 
There is nothing half so rotten as to find 
you have forgotten 

How to dance. 

See your sisters and your brothers (not to 
mention hosts of others). 
How they leap and caracole and pirouet! 

While your partner you disgruntle by a 
style that's contrapuntal, 

70 



DANCING 



Till the poor girl feels in ev'ry way upset. 
Uncle George grows apoplectic, Uncle John 
seems somewhat hectic, 
But you gaze at them with envy as you 
note 
With what ease each stout relation gives 
his lifelike imitation 

Of a goat. 

There are many kinds of dances, from that 
favourite of France's 
Which some people call a "valse" and 
others ^' waltz" 

71 



DANCING 



(^Though the French, in doubtful taste, 
dance both the can-can and the 
waist-dance^ 
These are vulgar, and have many other 
faults), 
To the saraband of Prussia, and the riga- 
doon of Russia, 
Which demand the greatest energy and 
zeal, — 
From that not-to-be-ignored dance which 
the Scottish term a ^^Sword- 
dance" 

To a reel. 

72 



DANCING 



When your Grandmamma went dan- 
cing, her behaviour was entran- 
cing; 
Such decorum, so much grace, were 
rarely seen ! 
And her too impatient lover was compelled, 
alas! to hover 
On the outskirts of her spacious crino- 
line. 
While demurely minuetting in a staid and 
sober setting, 
She religiously maintained her self- 
respect; 



73 



DANCING 



When she plied the "light fantastic," ev'ry 
pose, however plastic, 

Was correct. 

What a pleasing variation from the present 
generation. 
To whom dancing is a mere athletic 
sport. 
Which if people toil a lot at they can get 
extremely hot at, — 
Just a form of taking exercise, in short! 
Men, inspired by flute and fiddle, grasp 
their partners round the middle, 

74 



DANCING 



And revolve till they can scarcely stand 
upright, 
While their cousins and their sisters dance 
their little feet to blisters, 
Ev'ry night. 

When the youthful Spanish hero is per- 
forming a bolero^ 
His vagaries fill the bashful with surprise. 
And when coons among the mangoes try 
to execute fandangoes 
Prudes and pedants sometimes turn away 
their eyes; 

75 



DANCING 



But when Anglo-Saxon dancers once "get 
going" in The Lancers^ 
Things proceed at such a very rapid rate 
That the antics of Salome seem quite 
commonplace, quite home-y 
And sedate. 

When some poor old fogy flounders 'mid 
a scrum of youthful bounders 
Who awake the sleeping chap'rons with 
their shouts, 

Other vet'rans cease competing, as they 
realise, retreating, 

76 



DANCING 



Why such parties may be sometimes 
known as ^^ routs." 
Wives and daughters join with vigour in 
the cakewalks of the nigger, 
In a ''barn-dance" or in ''two-steps" 
or "Strathspeys," 
And though skirts be torn to tatters, no 
one cares, for nothing matters, 
Nowadays ! 

MORAL 
Now the moral of my story, which I dwell 
on con amore^ 

77 



DANCING 



Is that dancing is no mere gymnastic 
game; 
While for anyone desiring either romping 
or perspiring, 
There are numerous pursuits that I 
could name. 
And the youth who yells and hollers and 
is forced to change his collars, 
Should not ever be permitted to take part 
In the dance, which (for the last time, let 
me say) is not a pastime. 
But an Art. 



78 



IX 

At Sea 



YE passengers of either sex 
Who nimbly tread a steamer's 
decks, 
Observe the precepts, if you please, 
Which naval etiquette decrees, — 
And note how persons should behave 
Who sail upon the ocean wave. 

79 



AT SEA 



If when the billows rise and swell, 
You are not in the least unwell, 
Don't puff a rank or green cigar 
Into the eyes of those who are^ — 
Nor yet implore such weaker souls 
To note how much the vessel rolls. 

Don't recommend calves'-head or eels 
To one who cannot face his meals; 
The thought of tripe will not excite 
A friend's reluctant appetite ; 
And even haggis, so I'm told. 
Will leave him absolutely cold. 

80 



AT SEA 



Don't emulate the old ^^ sea-dog" 
(Who says ^^Yo ho!" and calls for grog) 
By wearing blue gold-buttoned suits, 
A yachting cap, and pipe-clayed boots, 
Nor don a knowing naval air 
Unless immune to mal-de-mer. 

Don't shout "Avast there!" or ^^ Belay!" 
Or "Lubbers, man the starboard stay!" 
Or "Splice the brace!" or "Brace thesplice!" 
Unless your knowledge is precise; 
Nor glibly talk of ^' hatch" or "hitch" 
Until you're certain which is which. 

8i 



AT SEA 



Don't give the Captain good advice, 
And never ask him more than twice 
("Unless you wish for a rebuff) 
Whether the passage will be rough, 
Nor yet if all the crew were drowned 
Last time he ran his ship aground. 

If actively unwell at sea 
(^As you may very likely be), 
Avoid procedure that offends 
The feelings of fastidious friends. 
Sea-sickness teems, if neatly done. 
With quiet — if one-sided — fun. 

82 



AT SEA 



iJVhen yoseph Spence — a noted wag — 
Was ill into a stranger s bag^ 
T'he latter^ from an upper bunk^ 
Exclaimed^ ''hook out! That'' s not your 

trunk!'' 
"I thought as much!'" retorted Spe?tcey 
As he repeated the offence.^ 

Make certain that, at any cost, 
Your sense of humour isn't lost, 
And if a steward, on a fork. 
Should tempt you with a slice of 
pork, 

83 



AT SEA 



Evince some signs of squeamish mirth 
Before you hasten to your berth. 

These are the Maximes de la Vie 
For those of Riper Years at Sea. 



84 



X 

Invitations 



WHEN you're writing invitations 
for receptions, balls, collations, 
To your intimates, acquaint- 
ances and neighbours, 
By a verbal indiscretion or an ill-advised 
expression 
You may miss the very object of your 
labours, 

85 



INVITATIONS 



And, through lacking the advantage of a 

literary training, 
May impair a reputation for successful 

entertaining. 

Though your Conversaziones may be 
crammed with friends and cronies. 
Who won't criticise your grammar and 
your spelling, 
And, by missives wrongly worded, strangers 
sometimes may be herded 
'Neath the roof-tree of your hospitable 
dwelling, 

86 



INVITATIONS 



By a lapse of taste or language folks are 
often much offended, — 

When your party is a failure and your 
soiree unattended. 

It is readily admitted that your phrases 
must be fitted 
To the status of the guests you are 
inviting; 
For what one accepts as normal to another 
seems informal; 
What a third enjoys, a fourth regards as 
slighting; 

87 



INVITATIONS 



And what strikes the Upper Classes as a 

piece of maladroitness 
May be looked on by ot ttoWol as (forgive 

me) hoigh poloitness ! 

You may favour a relation with a curt 
communication 
Which a stranger would consider sheer 
effront'ry; 
Or address a peer demurely in a manner 
which would surely 
Sound affected to a cousin from the 
country; 

88 



INVITATIONS 



So remember, ere commencing to express 

yourself on paper, 
That a style which suits a duchess may 

seem stilted to a draper. 

Let your writing ink be blacker and more 
luminous than lacquer, 
And your paper quite immaculately 
snowy; 
If you purpose to invest it with a mono- 
gram or crest, it 
Should be something that is neat but 
never showy; 

89 



INVITATIONS 



And if scented, let the faintest form of 

perfume be selected, 
Or your readers will insist on being 

promptly disinfected. 

Let your meaning be explicit, so that 
nobody can miss it. 
And your writing of a legible description; 
People find it most confusing if you make 
a point of using 
Hieroglyphics like the primitive Egyptian. 
It's as well to state quite clearly upon 
ev'ry invitation 

90 



INVITATIONS 



Both the nature of your party and the 
length of its duration. 

(^Lei me instance the dilemma I was placed 

in by Aunt Rmma^ 
Whom I asked to come and stay with me 

one Sunday ; 
I did not refer at starting to the date of her 

departing^ 
But I meant to entertain her just for one 

day. 
^Tis a twelvemonth since this guest I had 

the pleasure of receivings 

91 



INVITATIONS 



But she swears that she is bedridden^ and 
shows no signs of leaving ! 

"Then again^ a man named Harris^ whom I 
stumbled on in Paris^ 
At the Bristol or the Ritz — / often sup 
there — 
And most foolishly invited (I suppose I was 
excited^ 
If in London to be sure and look 7ne up 
there. 
Looks me up'' each single day^ and not 
content with merely ''looking^' 



a 



92 



INVITATIONS 



Must propose himself to luncheon^ and com- 
plains about my cooking! 

If the hostess, apprehensive, finds the 

drudgery extensive, 
Ev'ry time she asks acquaintances to 

dinner, 
'Tis a fact there's no denying, that the 

duty of replying 
Offers just as hard a task to the 

beginner. 
But the following examples should be 

ample for explaining 

93 



INVITATIONS 



This particular department in the Art of 
Entertaining. 

EXAMPLE I 
''Mrs. A, B. C. presents 

Her respects and compliments 
To Mrs. and Miss D. 
She would deem it very pleasant 
If the latter could be present 
At her tiny Tea. 
("Note. — There will be Bridge for those who 

care to take a hand^ 
Tennis in the garden^ and a military band.y^ 

94 



INVITATIONS 



(REPLY) 

"Mrs. and Miss D. express 
Their eternal gratefulness 
To Mrs. A. B. C. 
Tennis they Ve no time for, 

Tea is not a meal they care for, 
Bridge they never play. 
Military bands for them have little fasci- 
nation, 
So they must reluctantly refuse her 
invitation." 

EXAMPLE II 

" Mrs. E. would be obliged if on (here 

put the date) 

95 



INVITATIONS 



Mrs. F. would condescend to dine with her at 8* 
(Mrs. E.'s maternal aunt was comifig up from 

Dover^ 
But at the last moment has been forced to 

throw her over.^ 

(REPLY) 

"Mrs. F. is much distressed to hear about 

the aunt; 
Gladly would replace her, but is sorry that 

she can't; 
Much regrets that on (the date) she 

is already dining, 

96 



INVITATIONS 



And she therefore has the greatest pleasure 
in declining." 

EXAMPLE III 
" H. H.^ the Ehong of Bangolore^ 
IVill be At Home from 2 to /j. 

{Please enter by the Tradesmen s Door\ 
To-day.'' 

(REPLY) 

(Wire.) ^^Am feeling far from strong. 

Cannot join the merry throng. 
Tell the Bhong to run along 
And play ! " 

97 



INVITATIONS 



EXAMPLE IV 

"Dear Mr. Brown^ — 

My wife and I would chortle with delight 
If you would come and sup with us quite 
quietly to-night. 
(^The ^^quietly" suggests, of course — I 

hardly need explain — 
An absence of formality, of napkins, and 
champagne.) 
If you could bring your banjo we might ask 

the yoness up^ 
And I would tell the parlour-maid to mix 
some claret-cup. 

98 



INVITATIONS 



The eldest Jones^ Eliza^ plays the 

harpsichord with ease^ 
Which would be most convenient if we 

wanted to sing Glees.'' 

(REPLY) 

^' Dear Mr. Smith, — 

I have to be most careful what I drink. 
Your claret-cup is excellent, no doubt, 
But as it tastes distinctly of the cheapest 
kind of ink, 
I fancy I would rather do without. 
Please thank your charming wife, and 
say how deeply I am grieved 

99 



INVITATIONS 



To miss your quiet supper and the 

Glees, 
Through a prior invitation I this 

moment have received, 
Which I much prefer to yours and 

Mrs. B.'s." 



ICO 



XI 



On the Road 



WHEN seated in a motor-car 
Upon the King's highway, 
It often gives me quite a jar 
To find how selfish people are, 

How rude the things they say. 
I censure the pedestrian classes 
Who hold their noses as one passes. 



lOI 



ON THE ROAD 



Old yokels, deaf and nearly blind, 

Plod stolidly along; 
When I come scorching up behind. 
They pay no heed, they do not mind 

My hootings loud and long; 
But if I squash them flat as bloaters. 
Their next-of-kin disparage motors! 

Yet, when I walk upon the road. 
While cars rush to and fro, 

I note how much they incommode 

The residents of each abode 
Within a mile or so; 

I02 



ON THE ROAD 



My tender heart in anguish sickens 

To see them puncture dogs or chickens. 

And when they skirt the sidewalk edge, 

In clouds of whirling dust, 
I leap upon a window-ledge. 
Or scramble through a quickset hedge, 

With ill-concealed disgust. 
I dread to see them skid up onto 
The kerb and immolate poor Ponto. 

MORAL 
O ye who walk the roads like slugs. 
No more impede your betters I 

103 



ON THE ROAD 



Chauffeurs, desist from being Thugs! 
Kind hearts are more than sparking-plugs, 

And Tact than carburettors! 
Live and let live, my bounding brothers, 
And recollect that There are Others! 



104 



XII 



Forms of Address 



WHAT symptoms of panic the 
bourgeois evinces 
On being presented to Bishops 
and Princes! 
His throat seems afflicted with curious 

dryness, 
As, murmuring vaguely ^^Your Grace" 
or ''Your Highness," 

105 



FORMS OF ADDRESS 



His knees knock together. He shows the 

"white feather/' 
And talks in an agonised way of the 
weather. 
And oh ! how he wishes in youth he 

had studied 
The question of how to address the 
blueblooded! 

No knowledge is half so important or vital 
As that which supplies the appropriate title: 
"Your Worship" to one, and "My 
Lord" to another, 

io6 



FORMS OF ADDRESS 



^^Your Gracious" to this one, "Your 

Goodness" to t'other, 
^^ Dear Sir" to one's banker, "Hullo!" 

to one's mother. 

For men of the world the right form of 

response '11 
Come pat to the tip of the tongue (or the 

tonsil): 
"Your Maj:" for a King, and ^'Your Ex:" 

for a Consul, 
"Sir James" for a Knight, for a 

Gentleman "Mister," 

107 



FORMS OF ADDRESS 



^^Garcong!" for a waiter, and ^^Hi!" 
for a sister. 

But diffident persons are often in error, 
Through being beset by a feeling of 

terror. 
For instance, some alien Princeling or 

other 
Once told me I closely resembled my 

brother. 
^^We are," I replied, in an access of 

shyness, 
'^ Serenely alike. Your Ridiculous Highness!" 

io8 



FORMS OF ADDRESS 



The tone that is known as "unduly 

familiar" 
Is worse than a blunder of this sort, and 
sillier. 
A Baronet, say, whom you meet at a party. 
Should not be referred to by strangers 
as "Barty"; 
"Your Grace" to a Duke on servility 

touches. 
But never remark "My dear Grace" to a 
Duchess. 
While Rajahs from India, bewhiskered 
and splendid. 



109 



FORMS OF ADDRESS 



If talked of as "Mister" are deeply 
£ffendrd. 

"Mossoo" and ^^Mein Herr" are for 

Frenchmen and Germans, 
"Right Reverend Sir" for the preacher 

of sermons; 
But though it displays a commendable 

keenness 
To style a Scotch Elder ^' Your Weeness- 

and-Freeness," 
A Jewish Chief Rabbi won't fancy it 

funny, 

I lO 



FORMS OF ADDRESS 



Suppose you should label him ^'Rabbits" 

or '' Bunny," 
While Greek Archimandrites call loudly 

for brandy 
When persons address them as "Archie" 

or "Mandy." 

"Say, Count," is the phrase that an Oil 

Magnate's daughter 
Applies to the nobleman Fortune has 

brought her, 
While he in reply should accost her as 

"Madam," 

III 



FORMS OF ADDRESS 



And not (be she never so stony) 

" Macadam! " 

Militiamen love to be talked to as "Major," 

While ^^ Laddie" will always delight the 

Old Stager. 

The nickname allotted to Barmaids is 

"Ducky," 
And ^'Judge" is reserved for the men 
from Kentucky, 
But ''Colonel" is probably safest and 

surest 
For those who address an American 
tourist. 

112 



FORMS OF ADDRESS 



MORAL 
Then make it a rule, if you're bent on 

succeeding, 
To show ev'ry sign of good birth and 
good breeding. 
To do what is thought ^^comme-il-faut" 

and ''de rigueur," 
To browbeat the poor and to bully the 

nigger; 
But always assume an obsequious figure 
To all who are richer than you are — 
or bigger. 



113 



XIII 



Presence of Mind 



A T a moment of stress or of crisis, 
/ % When troubles encompass man- 
XjL kind, 

The behaviour most tactful and wise is 

The product of Presence of Mind; 
And although we can hardly be taught to 

Be vigilant, ready, or brave. 
We may all of us learn how we ought to 

Behave. 

115 



PRESENCE OF MIND 



If your yacht is a wreck on the ocean, 

Showing no inclination to float, 
While your messmates give way to emotion, 

You should lower the bulkiest boat. 
Don't delay to shake hands with your 
dearest 
(Your actions they won't understand), 
But proceed with all haste to the nearest 

Dry land. 

When at length on the shore you are 
driven, 
To the person who first comes in view 

• ii6 



PRESENCE OF MIND 



You should state what reward will be 
given 
If he rescues your cargo and crew. 
Should a coastguard be present, invite him 

To swim with a rope to the wreck, 
While you sit on the jetty and write him 

A cheque. 

If your house is in flames when you 
waken, 

Though its inmates you fail to arouse, 
Some precautions at least should be taken 
To report the event to your spouse. 

117 



PRESENCE OF MIND 



This a privilege due to a wife is, 

And your judgment should not be 
obscured 
By the comforting thought that her life is 

Insured. 

If the ladder on which you are standing 

Collapses while you 're up aloft, 
You should always make certain of landing 

On something that's suitably soft; 
Like my lunatic brother at Brighton, 

Who falls every night out of bed, 
But adroitly contrives to alight on 

His head. 
ii8 



PRESENCE OF MIND 



If your bulldog lays hold of a stranger, 
You should turn the thing off with a 
laugh, 
Saying, " Nonsense ! Your leg's in no danger ! 
For my bull is quite cowed by your calf! " 
("Should the victim reply to you thickly. 

Or to water be vainly decoyed, 
Then both he and the dog should be 
quickly 

Destroyed.) 

If your motor runs over some chickens, 
And the villagers gather in groups, 

119 



PRESENCE OF MIND 



You should ask them at once why the 
dickens 
Those damthings aren't kept in their 
coops. 
If the owner arrives at this juncture, 

You must simulate virtuous ire, 
And accuse him of trying to puncture 

Your tire. 

If you're ever attacked by a lion, 

A camel, a bull, or a bear, 
Keep a human and resolute eye on 

The beast, till he slinks to his lair. 

I 20 



PRESENCE OF MIND 



(If this " Pow'r of the Eye " that we read of 

Is as absent as hair from an egg, 
You can always fall back on the Speed of 

The Leg.) 

Last of all, if a humorous poet 

Should award you the fruits of his 
Muse, — 
You will never peruse them, you know it, 
But you haven't the heart to refuse — 
So remark, as their charms he rehearses, 

How a merciful Fate you would thank 
It his pages, as well as his verses. 

Were blank ! 

12 1 



XIV 

Discrimination 



I 



F some accommodating Fate 
Would teach us to discriminate, 
Or if, instinctively, we had 
The gift of telling good from bad. 
How much less often would we 
make 
The unforgivable mistake! 

Appearances deceive, alas! 
And persons whom we proudly pass 

123 



DISCRIMINATION 



As villains of the deepest dyes 
May be archdeacons in disguise; 
Even a bishop can insist 
On looking like a pugilist! 

Each passer-by, for aught we know, 
May be a King incognito; 
The brains of Prince or Plutocrat 
May lurk beneath a seedy hat, 
A witty tongue lie hid within 
The contours of a feeble chin! 

A butcher may be sweet and kind, 
A sage appear to have no mind; 

124 



DISCRIMINATION 



An operatic tenor can 
Be more a monkey than a man! 
What false impressions one derives 
When single men lead double lives! 

While staying in New York, one day, 
I met two brothers, William J. 
And Jawn D. Bilge. They looked 
unkempt. 
And so I viewed them with contempt. 
Conceive my subsequent despair 
On finding each a millionaire! 

For William, by a life of toil, 
Had cornered all his country's oil, 

125 



DISCRIMINATION 



While Jawn supplied the poor with ice 
At nearly twice the proper price; 
Till each had finally been thrust 
Into a post of (^so-called) Trust. 

Had I but known how rich they were, 
And tried to cultivate the pair, 
Who knows? I might perhaps to-day 
Be quite as affluent as they, 
And dress as badly as I chose. 

And talk entirely through my nose! 

MORAL 
Oh, let us not acquire too late 
The talent to discriminate! 
126 



XV 



Tact 



THO' endowed with all the virtues 
of a Daniel, 
With a nature free from blemishes 
or flaws ; 
Tho' combining the devotion of a spaniel 
With intelligence like Mr. Bernard Shaw's; 
Tho' the noblest disposition you inherit, 
And your character with piety is pack'd, 

127 



TACT 



All such qualities have very little merit 
Unaccompanied by TACT. 

What is tact? you may enquire (and very 
rightly) — 
'Tis that mixture of good taste and 
savoir faire 
Which impels us to conduct ourselves 
politely, 
Not to gossip, not to snigger, not to 
stare; 
To be gay (^but not facetious) at a wedding. 
At a fun'ral sympathetic but discreet — 

128 



TACT 

'Tis the art, above all else, of never treading 
Upon other people's feet. 

It restrains us in those more domestic 
quarrels 
Which result from the reproofs we may 
have based 
On the looseness of a younger brother's 
morals. 
Or the tightness of an elder sister's waist. 
It forbids a too inquisitive inspection 

Of the squirrel's nest which Mother 
calls her hair, 

I 2g 



TACT 

Or the hectic but unnatural complexion 

That Aunt Mabel loves to wear. 

If a friend has got a ^^past" discreetly 
hidden, 
On this subject you must never breathe 
a word; 
To the tactful any mention is forbidden 
Of a scandal that is decently interred. 
For altho' his early record may be shady, 

'Tis a very awkward moment in your life 
When you blurt it out at luncheon to a lady, 
And she proves to be his wife ! 

130 



TACT 

If a neighbour has a face like a geranium, 
It is rude of you to blink or shade your 
eyes; 
If he balances a toupee on his cranium, 
You should view it with inaudible 
surprise. 
Ere you ridicule the tint of people's noses. 

Or their lamentable paucity of hair. 
Recollect how little urchins twitted Moses 
And were eaten by a bear."^ 



* Was it not Elijah ? — Publisher's Reader. 

Perhaps. There are no rhymes to Elijah, anyway. Please 
use some intelligence. — H. G. 

131 



TACT 



When residing in a house where there are 
lovers, 
You should don the very loudest of 
your suits, 
And a tactful man instinctively discovers 
The necessity of wearing squeaky 
boots. 
In your efforts to prevent a private scandal, 
Which a fashionable hostess might 
deplore, 
You should cough, and have some trouble 
with the handle, 

Before entering a door. 



132 



TACT 

Never mind, then, how inelegant your 
tone is, 
Or how petty the proportions of your 
brain; 
Cease to envy the physique of an Adonis, 
Or the modesty and culture of a Caine; 
That your views are inconsistent and one- 
sided. 
And your statements imbecile and inexact 
Does n't matter, it you only are provided 
With a large supply of Tact. 

It is Tact that makes the needy cringe 
and grovel; 

133 



TACT 

And the rich behave like Romans when 
in Rome; 
It is Tact that brings contentment to the 
hovel, 
It is Tact that carries Peace into the 
Home. 
It is Tact — but w^hy this "dam'd reitera- 
tion " 
Of a simple and indisputable fact, 
Since my poem needs no further illustration 
As a masterpiece of Tact? 



134 



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